amateur.

i just sent a cover letter/resume to my dream job which i am perfectly qualified for. problem: i attached my cover letter twice and not my resume at all. stupid. stupid. stupid. i sent the resume anyway. excuse me while i punch myself in the face 15 times and get ready to spend the rest of my life in a cubicle.

it aint trickin if you got it

so today i was in the berkeley library, doing work with jessie because we are both grad students. i was working on the book, she was doing policy reading or something. something serious. anyway, we broke the studying because she wanted to show me this. what is that? oh just the threesome scene from that recent episode of gossip girl that all the professional moms on npr were up in arms about (npr called it a "menage a trois", and adorably, the "professional mom" was flummoxed about how her 14 year old son, who was not allowed to watch the episode, had learned what a "menage a trois" was).

anyway, as far as i am concerned, this little bit of episode 9, season 3 completely renewed my interest in gossip girl. it perfectly illustrates this disconnect between the kid world and the adult world and by kid world i mean people under 20 and adult world i mean people over 40. those of us in the middle, i think, are in sort of an interesting position in that we KNOW the internet. we LOVE the internet. but we also remember a time, at least i do, when we didn't have it at my house, we'd never heard of it, we made due with land lines and 104.7 kduk for our communication and experience of the cool world of hipness. of course, i also grew up with out a tv so you could make the argument that i was pretty freaking sheltered.

kids under 20 though, they are DIFFERENT. the internet is like in their blood. texting: they invented it. why does your 14 year old son know what a threesome is? um, i don't know if YOU looked up "ass" in the dictionary in 3rd grade but i certainly did. i also specifically remember in 6th grade asking my mom what "cunt" meant. you know what is easier and more informative than my mom on that subject? google .

anyway, all this has been rolling around in my mind, that there is this universe-sized information gap between kids in high school and their parents. it's cultural really. and then, here comes this scene. watch it again. listen to the song.

that song is this song, only sung by a white girl:




this is truly amazing. i would say, most of my youth there have been some great hip-hop covers bouncing around. mostly hilarious redos of super misogynistic hits (see especially ben folds singing "bitches aint shit") ironic, slowing down the crazy lyrics of this music so you can see JUST HOW BAD IT IS.

things are changing however. this new version of t.i. "whatever you like" is totally earnest:



this video is interesting because the crowd starts out laughing but it ISN'T FUNNY and the laughter feels awkward. don't get me wrong, i love this song. i love both versions. i used to listen to the t.i. version all the time. i think what is crazy and interesting is that this music has a very specific message. let me break it down for you: dudes, get money by any means necessary. get a LOT of money. spend it. lavishly. this how people will know you are tough, powerful and successful. girls, dress like a hooker and find a dude who will spend a lot of money on you (don't worry, it aint trickin if you got it). if possible, allow him to get you pregnant (please see 50 cents new trail blazing anthem "have a baby by me baby be a millionaire"). now he will never leave you. or, i mean, he WILL bone other chicks, probably get them pregnant, whatever. but you'll have his money. that is true and guaranteed.

so where am i going with this? i made some brownies, i want to eat one. i need to think about it more. but i would say we are in the middle of an interesting shift. if a threesome is all your 14 year old knows about, lucky you. even I knew what that was when i was 14. hip-hop music is the realest thing out there right now, the most compelling, the story line that makes sense to everyone growing up right now in our country. maybe we should be worried. but the ice caps are melting too. and some of those songs are downright CATCHY.

the complicated mirror

happy veteranss day. veterans' day is great for many reasons. 1) my grandpa is a veteran. from world war two. without him, we'd be governed by nazis and so i'd be dead. and i am glad that you aren't a nazi and i am not dead. 2) both of my jobs have the day off. amazing. i couldn't go to work if i wanted to! and i really don't want to.

as you can see from above, i am wearing my bathrobe.

mainly i am blogging to test pete who this morning told me he had "an rss feed from my blog to his brain." otherwise, my life is pretty normal right now i guess. i went to eugene last weekend to visit my above-mentioned american hero grandpa and my less-heroic grandmas. though they were on the home-front. that was important too. i also saw my cousins and one of my cousin's baby. he just turned one and the last time i saw him he was just an uncomfortable bump in my cousin's belly, as far as i could tell. now he is doing some hilarious dancing and running around. also: in one excited moment of baby-sprinting up to my grandma and climbing up her like a monkey-baby to avoid his mom who was chasing him, he bit my grandma straight on the boob. she took it like a champion and the poor kid was totally freaked out but there was something amazing about the whole thing, like they were really fully PLAYING, both totally immersed in this game. just the thought of biting my grandma would have sent me into a tailspin of terror when i was a kid. i was pretty intimidated by grandparents in general back then. still sometimes i kind of worry about them reading my stuff or seeing my tattoos or whatever. this weekend i saw them and talked to them and they all seemed so mellow and human. what was i worried about? my grandma, in her 80's, got her boob chomped on by a little boy with new teeth and she LAUGHED.

sometimes i think it would be interesting to have kids just to see how they react to my parents and grandparents. i guess they'd probably just act how i act. i mean, this new baby (okay, toddler now?), his mom is my youngest cousin and she was probably the closest of all the kids to my grandma, in this weird way. she was never intimidated by my grandma. so i guess it makes sense that her kid wouldn't be either. my kid would probably dissolve into a puddle of tears while whispering into my ear "momma can i have a cup of water?" that is, if my previous behavior is anything to go by.

i was a huge wuss. my brother was worse. my mom however is not a wuss at all. maybe my theory is breaking down. i guess i need the babies to find out for sure.

most of the times i think i want kids it is terms of something like this. like, to do experiments on. remember that. maybe don't let me have kids.

things i am going to do today: figure out my health insurance situations, work on monster party edits (that's my book, that's what it is called), laundry(?), yoga, ice my knee.

if you were looking for something cool to look at: here it is.

fear bubble

lately i've been having trouble being a grown up. i was thinking tonight, when i walked to walgreens and later on the phone with jessie, that i thought this craziness was behind me. i thought that i grew out of emotional outbursts and intense insecurity and the fight or flight response when i was like 22. turns out, no, i was just alone for awhile and i got into that semi-wonderful alone thing, where you don't depend on anyone for anything, except maybe your parents for money. you feel completely un-crazy because you aren't continually putting yourself up against somebody else's self and finding the differences.

what i am saying is not that i would rather be alone at all. i love having someone i love in my house with me, to talk to or not talk to. to cook for. to complain to. but it can be fucking challenging as well because what if that person goes away? what if you put your whole weight on that person and they disappear?

pete started school this semester which is completely awesome and the right thing to do because he is a genius artist. you should see his most recent sculpture. it bill blow your head off. but also it is a big challenge for me because i am so used to having him around ALL THE TIME. to eat dinner with. to sit on the couch with. to skateboard with. and now this is new part of our life together in which i don't get those things whenever i want or even very frequently. which i am trying to deal with without burning down the school or developing an online poker habit.

basically i miss him when he is gone and i am afraid when he is gone a lot he will find someone cooler and then be gone forever.

but i am trying to deal with my fear and my irrationality by, direct jessie quote, my personal therapist after my mom has gone to bed, "acknowledging it and then putting space around it." also: yoga, internet television, late night walks in the mission, coming up with new projects like designing a book written by my young cousin lila. here we are, as you can see, a pair of geniuses:

also i have my many jobs to keep me busy and a whole new tutoring student starting next week THAT I AM GETTING PAID FOR. this is hard though, being in a full-on relationship. good too. like most hard things. like this crazy bind i did in yoga today. who thought i would ever be able to do a bind? who thought i would get into yoga? who thought i would then compare yoga to life?

i need to take my contacts out. it's late and i should go to bed.

boom

see this sweet plaid shirt? pete brought it back from seattle. i think for him but luckily for everyone involved, if fits me too.

i have totally immersed myself in the couch and the balloon boy scandal and an australian drama about high class prostitutes. why is washing the dishes so difficult? good question.

i mainly wanted to write this so i can remember it: pete was showing me some old pictures this morning and in the stack was a birthday card i made him, probably 6 years ago, who even knows when? that said, "not everyone is born beautiful but everyone is born." did i make that up? and if so, question b, am i a genius? and point c, okay, he knew what he was getting into.

well, that picture is creepy. back to the ladies of the night.

the good news

1. the mountain goats were on the colbert report last week. this means: stephen colbert is still genius; a person i said sort of mean things to in a fit of awkward celebrity shock (the bass player, i asked him why they were all into "acid jazz" now) was on sweet and famous tv show with a guy who openly made fun of president bush to his face which basically means i did (that is the chain of negativity--quantum physics--deal with it); and the mountain goats have a new ablum! about the bible! let's go out and buy it!

2. i had an eye exam today and my prescription in one of my eyes GOT BETTER. is that possible? after years of worse and worse eyes, finally, reverse.

3. i wasn't going to say anything about this because, you know, fear of jinxes, but i've heard a person in charge has been mentioning it in grocery stores and i guess i can't get the word out too early, right? get excited. my collection of short stories called monster party is getting published by small desk press. i don't know when it is coming out yet but don't worry. i will keep you appraised of the situation. i am fully 1000% stoked about this. i mean, a book. by me. PUBLISHED. my cousin erica thinks i should get the number, you know the real official number they put on books number, tattooed under oregon on my chest.

i've been so excited about this and thinking about it so much i've been having trouble sleeping. i need to set some sort of calming intention during yoga tomorrow. staying up late watching tv on hulu is helping with the exhaustion. i mean, i'm exhausted.

so that's the news. i'm trying not to be too exuberant about it but still want people to know so they can start thinking about how bad they are going to want to buy it. and how bad they are going to want to tell all their friends. tell all your friends! goodnight!

our blood looks similar!

i'm going to make fried rice for dinner. two weeks ago pete came and picked me up after i got on a bus going the wrong direction without the full fare after emmylou harris at hardly strictly bluegrass and about 3 more beers then strictly necessary out of my friend neil's backpack. then pete made me fried rice. well he made some for himself and gave me some. since then i am thinking it is the epitome of genius. fried rice! so easy to make! can contain anything at all! tonight i am thinking of experimenting with kale, red peppers, chicken, carrots and garlic. always garlic. of course.

today at like 4:43 the network went down at work. it's pretty great when the network goes down. there is nothing you can do. and then i went to yoga. my favorite yoga teacher started teaching at this new, perfect time. why is she my favorite? she plays bon iver and van morrison instead of tibetan chanting. yesterday she played "silent night" for the final resting. the christmas carol. she's hilarious. also, i read about her on the internet and know she was an english major. also she is nice.

so yah, i have to go to work and stuff. make the money. stare at lists of names and numbers all day. answer phones. but it wasn't SUCH a bad day today. everyone says it's going to rain. sf is hilarious like that. when the weather might be different people can't stop talking about it. EVERYWHERE. the only equivalent in number of facebook status updates about a subject in the realm of people i know is if the beavers or ducks are playing football. SO many people i know care about that. it's weird.

which reminds me of two to three more things:

1) is it offensive that i took a facebook quiz called "which lds temple should you be married in?"

2) i hung out with my old friend jessie last weekend because she is in school in berkeley now. it was so awesome. it is nice to hang out with people you've known since third grade, even if at certain points they were your enemy. her bedroom is always the same: corvallis, eugene, portland, seattle, berkeley. it always smells nice in the same way. what is more comforting than that? nothing.

3) after talking to a past student body president of corvallis high school who did NOT attend his high school reunion, i feel confident that i will not go to mine.

in conclusion, here is a video for a song my cousin's kids loved to sing when i was in the car with them various times last summer:


i miss my cousin. i miss her kids. final picture, stolen from cousin, from a boat: