god bless you america

updates (better than the constitution):

1. now my waxer wants me to teach her english. this could be exactly what our relationship needs. a mutually understood language.

2. funny/sexy/sad is on the internet! listen! appreciate! send me money! read something at our next open mic!

3.
4. my voice sounds really weird on the radio.

5. we had "fun day" today at swimming lessons and this adorable little girl with an irish accent finally warmed up to me by yelling "i'm a sea monsta" and paddling after me with the assistance of her float belt. also i got to really instill some ymca core values by saying to a troublemaker boy who was very good all through class: "thanks so much for respecting everyone today!"

6. there are no campsites open for tomorrow night in this whole god damned state.

radical

i'm so tired for some reason. actually i know the reason. i've been getting up too early without going to bed too early. it's a problem because i get up at 5:15 and then work for awhile and get home and sort of want to die or at least sleep and then i hang out with pete for awhile and do fall asleep on the couch and then he goes to work and then when he comes back i want to hang out with him more. i'm assuming at some point pete will get other friends and i will be forced to entertain myself or at least go to bed at a reasonable hour. or it will get more normal to have an extreme awesome person sitting on the pink futon playing guitar and i will be able to tear myself away from the living room occasionally. oh well. i am sure i will look back on these days fondly when 2012 happens and there are no guitars and all i have time for is hunting and gathering and hording semi-automatic weapons. i will be WAY tired then. it will be hard to sleep knowing at any moment someone could shoot your for your water bottle.

anyway, pete's gone for the weekend.

i bought some teal pants today, to fill the void in bryant valley and my heart. financially it may not have been a wise decision (teal pants on the heels of shark watch and rei tent: i need to quit spending money or get a higher paying job) but emotionally it was brilliant.

plus i needed teal pants. then i tried to write something to read at the open mic so i started compiling a list of all the people i have kissed, starting with that boy who kissed me at day camp when i was six or seven. have you tried this? luckily for me, in my youth i kept meticulous notes because my friends and i were obsessed with ryan phillipe's notebook in cruel intentions. my book stops when i am about twenty however and so far my list is up to the second bush election (me: age twenty-two) and i am at roughly twenty-five people. some numbers in africa are hard to gauge accurately (how many people did i really kiss at the duku duku awards when that one white bartender was giving me free tequila all night? or in that game of spin the bottle in the orange free state with the toothless oldish men?) which may make me some sort of kissing slut or else a person who likes adventure. you decide. the list isn't very funny or sexy anyway and i would never subject others to it. lately i suck massively at writing. i do however now own teal pants.

last night by a miraculous miracle pete and i went to see point break live. dear friends: stop what you are doing and go immediately to the next showing of point break live. i can't even describe it for you except: definitely buy the poncho. pete and i made this card for bodhi (it includes the world's first footnoted haiku), who so perfectly embodied patrick swayze i figured he would do some classical dance moves at any moment:

oh my god. it was an amazing show. i laughed so hard i spilled beer on myself. i got thrown to the floor twice at gun point. gary busey died at my feet like three times. what are you waiting for? go now!

otherwise, on wednesday we went to a surfing movie and i caught a hat in the air and then WON THE RAFFLE for some sunglasses but, in a tragic turn, was unable to find my raffle ticket in time to claim my prize. i know now how sudanese refugees must feel when they see the red cross truck arrive and then see the war lords snatch up all their food and rape their women. also wave related, i went surfing this morning, poorly as usual, in pacifica. there is, allegedly, another south swell coming in this weekend but i don't think i can hit up ocean beach alone. even with my shark watch. plus i have to work all day tomorrow. so here is your last picture: the south swell last weekend and some sweet santa cruz dudes surfing like pros. actually, they may have been pros.

return to tuff town

we went to sant cruz this weekend, just like i said we were going to. the surfers in santa cruz are big time: sponsored and stuff. they were going crazy and flipping and things. allegedly, according to pete, the surf on saturday was "epic" but i sort of felt like i was a six-year-old snow plowing on a black diamond. which can be fun, was fun, but ended in some all-american-type dude trying to carry my surf board for me because i looked so pathetic i guess. we rode the giant dipper saturday night and stayed with my camp friend carwash. sunday i felt slightly better in the water even though all the surfers were still big time and i am what can only be called a barney. but, as always, it was a really good time. i only have like one picture because i was too busy watching otters make passionate love in the water right next to me to consider photography. we came home and watched short bus, which i would recommend but not in the presence of family members, and then ate some chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. shit is domestic around here. tomorrow, sadly, i am up at 5:15 am again so if you are one of the numerous people i have been unable to hang out with due to this schedule i am sorry. 1.5 months to go. holy shit it is 9:15. now i am going to bed.

johnny utah

this morning i woke up early to go be a student in pete's surf class. mock student sort of, they don't have enough real students. (if you want to take surf lessons i know just the place.) it was pretty sweet. there was another girl who hadn't surfed as much as me but was better so i sort of tried harder which worked out for me. i am super lazy and bad at challenging myself. this is something i want to fix. in the morning though i tried extra hard and stood up a few times and one time for an extra long time. i whined a lot about rocks but it was pretty great. in the afternoon we went to ocean beach and surfed some more. well, pete surfed and i wussed out and kept getting towed halfway down the beach by waves i couldn't harness. it was like 90 degrees and the beach was a freaking mob scene. this woman with an accent even came up to me and asked,"do they have parasailing here?" as if ocean beach is in mexico instead of the cold edge of california. here are some pictures:

now i am going to drink beer on the street and tomorrow we are going to surf more in santa cruz. we are spending the night. it's going to be amazing.

apex predator

waking up at 5:15 every morning is killing my creative spirit. i am unable to write anything except for transcripts of conversations and even those don't go well. i have however been trolling the internet and i can report i have found officially the most disturbing personal ad ever. for your enjoyment and possible true love (stay away from soma and south beach):

I am a socialized sociopath - 30 (SOMA / south beach)

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Reply to: pers-724376950@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-18, 11:58AM PDT


I am a "socialized" sociopath/psychopath. This is a real medical condition. Basically, I am incapable of feeling guilt or remorse.. I cannot feel true empathy. This does not make me evil. This just means that I do not understand what guilt feels like. I can't understand how my action affect others in a negative way. I make people around me happy and content. Sure I lie, but what is the harm of lying when the people I am lying to are happy? Isn't the point of life to be happy? I tried an experiment recently. I started telling the truth to everyone. I started telling everyone all the things I really did. They were all so hurt by what I told them. Telling them the truth was hurting them, and in return they wanted to hurt me back. I was a complete, irrational fool. Telling the truth just made the situation worse. Before they were all happy and content, and then I was honest with them, and now they are all distraught and upset. When you look at the numbers, clearly I made the wrong choice. Clearly I telling the truth and hurting people is irrational. This is the way I think.

I am not evil. I am not sadistic. I am very very good at manipulating people. It's almost like a magic power. I see people's motivations and desires so clearly. I can see exactly what they want, and I can give it to them so easily. It takes no effort at all. But I don't manipulate people to be evil. I don't do it to hurt them or because I am bored and just want to play with people like other sociopaths might do. I'm smart enough to know that this kind of behavior will eventually cause people to think I am a monster, so it's clearly not in my best interest. It's not logical to be sadistic. No, I manipulate people only to make myself safe. I manipulate those around me so that they are calm and relaxed and content around me. I make them like me and want to protect me. In my mind, this seems like a very reasonable thing to do. Shouldn't my safety and comfort be my goal in life? Shouldn't I try to be free of pain and harm? I think I should. I think asking me to be in pain, asking me to be unhappy, or asking me to hurt is much more evil than anything I have ever done. Doesn't it seem wrong to ask me to be unhappy to you?

I am looking to meet people and show them what it's like to interact with a sociopath. I will not harm you. I will make you feel loved and special. I will make you feel like you are important to me, and that you can be relaxed and content around me. It's not real. It's not that I hate you, or that I want to harm you, it's just that I'm incapable of feeling the same emotions as you. But I'm going to be nice to you and make you feel happy around me. That's a good thing, right? You want to feel happy, right? I'm going to be perfectly honest right up front and show you that this is how I am, that I am not evil, and that I am only acting this way because I want to learn more about people, about how they think and act, and why they do the things they do. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm going to make a deal with you. I'm going to make a very fair deal with you. I'm going to give you a happy, wonderful time. I'm going to give you a magical romance with the perfect guy you've ever met. And in return, you're going to be providing me with data, so that I can better understand what it is that I lack. I think this is a perfectly reasonable compromise. I think this is fair.

What do you say? Are you interested in seeing what it's like to be around me? Are you intrigued by the subtle sense of danger you will feel knowing that you are in the presence of an apex predator? Are you interested in feeling like you've met the most amazing, most magical person in your life? Of spending the happiest possible time you've ever spent with a man? You may never get the chance to really find the perfect man, but wouldn't it be entertaining to feel what it's like to have met him, even if you know it's only a fantasy? Are you excited at the prospect of falling in love with a man who does not understand the meaning of love?

the most pleasant town in america

this is where i mainly grew up.

open mic 2.0

come! send this out into the world! funny/sexy/sad my friends. the future is now.